The White House Correspondence Dinner, a yearly event that allows Obama publicly tell jokes and poke fun at himself is coming up, so we decided to take a look back on the little “Celebrity Roast” style dinner and see what his writers came up with as far as “jokes” go.
“I’m feeling sorry, believe it or not, for the Speaker of the House as well. These days, the House Republicans actually give John Boehner a harder time than they give me, which means … orange really is the new black!”
“Republicans continue to refuse to extend [unemployment insurance]. You know what, I am beginning to think that they’ve got a point. If you want to get paid while not working, you should have to run for Congress just like everybody else.”
“Now, look, I get it. These days, I look in the mirror and I have to admit, I’m not the strapping young Muslim socialist that I used to be. Time passes. You get a little gray.”
“Even after all this time, I still make rookie mistakes. Like, I’m out in California, we’re at a fundraiser having a nice time, I happen to mention that Kamala Harris is the best-looking attorney general in the country. As you might imagine, I got trouble when I got back home. Who knew Eric Holder was so sensitive?”
“I know Republicans are still sorting out what happened in 2012, but one thing they all agree on is they need to do a better job reaching out to minorities. And look, call me self-centered, but I can think of one minority they could start with. Hello? Think of me as a trial run, you know? See how it goes.”
“One senator who has reached across the aisle recently is Marco Rubio, but I don’t know about 2016. I mean, the guy has not even finished a single term in the Senate and he thinks he’s ready to be president. Kids these days.”
“Four years ago, I was locked in a brutal primary battle with Hillary Clinton. Four years later, she won’t stop drunk-texting me from Cartagena.”
“It’s great to be here this evening in the vast, magnificent Hilton ballroom — or what Mitt Romney would call a little fixer-upper.”
“The White House Correspondents’ Dinner is known as the prom of Washington D.C. — a term coined by political reporters who clearly never had the chance to go to an actual prom.”
“Just to set the record straight, I really do enjoy attending these dinners. In fact, I had a lot more material prepared but I have to get the Secret Service home in time for their new curfew.”
“What a week. As some of you heard, the state of Hawaii released my official long-form birth certificate. Hopefully, this puts all doubts to rest. But just in case they’re any lingering questions, tonight I’m prepared to go a step further. Tonight, for the first time, I am releasing my official birth video:
“Oh, well. Back to square one. I want to make clear to the Fox News table that was a joke. That was not my real birth video. That was a children’s cartoon. Call Disney if you don’t believe me, they have the original long-form version.”
“Michele Bachmann is here. She is thinking about running for president, which is weird because I hear she was born in Canada. Yes, Michele, this is how it starts.”
“I wasn’t sure that I should actually come tonight. Biden talked me into it. He leaned over and he said, ‘Mr. President this is no ordinary dinner. This is a big (beep) meal.‘ “
“The Jonas Brothers are here. They’re out there somewhere. Sasha and Malia are huge fans. But, boys, don’t get any ideas. I have two words for you — predator drones. You will never see it coming. You think I’m joking.”
“Speaking of ‘tween heartthrobs, Scott Brown is here. I admire Scott — a rare politician in Washington with nothing to hide. Now, you should be aware that Scott Brown is not the only one with a salacious photo spread floating around. Recently David Axelrod was offered a centerfold opportunity of his own — now, I did not know that Krispy Kreme had a catalog. But it’s true.”
“All this change hasn’t been easy. Change never is. So I’ve cut the tension by bringing a new friend to the White House. He’s warm, he’s cuddly, loyal, enthusiastic. You just have to keep him on a tight leash. Every once in a while he goes charging off in the wrong direction and gets himself into trouble. But enough about Joe Biden.”
“In the next 100 days, our bipartisan outreach will be so successful that even John Boehner will consider becoming a Democrat. After all, we have a lot in common. He is a person of color. Although not a color that appears in the natural world. Wassup, John?”
“In the next hundred days, we will housetrain our dog, Bo, because the last thing Tim Geithner needs is someone else treating him like a fire hydrant.”
Tell us in the comments below, How did Obama far in his comedic efforts? Were his writers future employment secure, or did they “bomb” with the punchline?
Patrick James has worked as a firefighter/EMT for several services throughout the years, as well as a custom metal fabricator, certified personal trainer and chef.
Growing up in the rural suburbs of Detroit, it was during his frequent trips to Northern Michigan where he learned of his love for hunting and fishing. Spending several of his adult years in upstate South Carolina, his love of extreme sports took root in the foothills of the Great Smoky Mountains as he learned to rock climb and kayak.
“Courage and perseverance have a magical talisman, before which difficulties disappear and vanish into air.” ~ John Quincy Adams